Yes, BOTH types of "bug" bites respond well to garlic paste.

Yes, this is going to be one of those posts where the term “bug” means both a vampire and some kind of insect.

When someone is suffering from a bug (vampire) wound, they experience discomfort for many reasons.  They feel an incredible itching sensation, and are compelled to scratch it.

One traditional remedy that helps a lot is to apply garlic paste to the wound.  No, this doesn’t mean garlic powder.  You have to slice the garlic very thin, and then squish every bit of garlic into a mash, much like the consistency of mayonaisse.

Garlic in any form will not repel vampires, no matter what the movies teach you.  The reason why garlic is tied with vampire bug bites is that garlic has some properties that relieve the pain victims feel after attacks.

And yes, if you apply garlic paste to a mosquito bite, it does help!  I’m sure some of the readers here could explain why better than I can, but let’s just say that if you’re bitten by *any* kind of bug, odds are garlic paste will help alleviate some of the irritating symptoms.

The Codex Sinaiticus

I’ve been all excited that the Codex Sinaiticus has finally gone online.  I’ve been waiting for this for months now.

And wouldn’t you know it?  The whole part about Othniel, the judge I was named after, isn’t online (Judges 3:7-11).  I don’t know yet if it’s part of the Codex that just wasn’t scanned, but it looks like that section has deteriorated to the point where it just doesn’t exist anymore.

The Codex is considered to be the oldest Christian Bible in existence.  I know for a fact there are earlier versions sitting in the Vatican, but for the rest of us regular folks, the Codex Sinaiticus works just fine.

I was really hoping there’d be some edited passages about me or something in there.  Maybe that Othniel was the baddest bug killer of all time.  Instead, I got mugatz.

Your cat is not a vampire's best friend.

Bugs hate cat urine.  No kidding.

How that was discovered isn’t entirely clear to me, but at some point in the 70′s my dad and his team found out that bugs really don’t like cat urine.

Now, before you go wearing the nasty stuff like some kind of protective perfume, please note that even if you’re dripping in the stuff, no bug is going to stop biting you once he gets a whiff of it.  When a bug is charging for a kill he’s not going to stop for anything, really… except maybe a good spear, or a claymore mine.

You need to significantly inundate the area around your home to make it any good.  I mean a whole lot of cat pee — so much so that you may decide to move away, too.

Also, before you go bugging the professionals for some synthetic feline tinkle, don’t bother.  Nobody makes enough of the stuff to make it worth your while.

I only mention this because I often find that the vampire lovers that write to me are also cat owners.  Just wanted to point out that no real vampire would be interested in living with cats.  I’d imagine it would be much like sharing a tent with a dude who loved beans, if you know what I mean.

This is a kid who has something to say. Be like him!

If you want to comment upon something I write, please feel free to do so.  I’ve gotten about six emails in the past two days with questions from people who noted that they didn’t want to take up precious USVS web space with their comments.

PLEASE — if you have a question or a comment, please leave it as a comment!  Two of you asked about the potentcy of the bug virus, two of you asked about the work we do on scene before we go hunting for bugs, and the other two of you asked other things.

Point being, if these were posted as comments somebody would have had their answer sooner.  And time is life in this business, okay?

I don’t care if you call me a jerk — if you have something to ask, say, or just blurt — comment it!

Closeup of the Ghent Altarpiece, showing Cain bashing out Abel's brains.

How far back in the history of man does vampirism go?  Well, in the Bible the story of Cain and Abel is in the fourth chapter of Genesis — the first book of the Bible.

That’s right, the first chapter was about the first theory of how creation began.  The second chapter was the second theory about how creation began.  The third was about how man was immortal and blessed and how woman screwed that all up.

And then it went immediately into fratricide, and the historic beginning of vampirism.  No shit.  A whole two chapters before he told Noah to split or get soaked, and about thirty-three chapters before Joey had his multicolored duster jacket.  Mind you, Moses doesn’t even show up until the next book of the Bible… and supposedly Moses *wrote* the Torah!

A stained glass from the cathedral in Milan, Italy showing Cain bashing Abel's brains out.

Cain and Abel are also mentioned in the Koran, by the way.  That’s how far back bugs go in human history, or at least religious history.

Cain was a farmer, and his younger brother Abel was a shepherd.  They both offered gifts to God, and He preferred sacrificed animals to vegetables.  God threatened Cain that he would be sinning if he didn’t offer the proper sacrifice.  So according to the Bible, Cain wasn’t offering the proper sacrifice (blood), something the English used against the Jews for centuries.

In the Koran, Abel points out to Cain that murder is wrong.

The story goes on that when Abel’s murder is discovered, God punishes Cain by forcing him to walk to Earth forever.  He is given a visible mark (the Mark of Cain) so that living beings know he is Cain, and that anyone who kills him will be punished far worse.

To quickly recap: the two biggest religions of the world, and one of the oldest, all agree that immediately at the beginning of human history:

• One man killed his brother, and,
• He was evil and clearly marked, and,
• He would live forever until murdered himself, AND,
• The man who killed him would be punished much worse

My team, and our teammates before us, have been searching for this fucker since he became popular.  If he is the literal granddaddy spreading undead fratricide upon the globe since the beginning of human history, we’re hoping the advent of the Internet, jet engines, and GPS will help us finally catch up to him and put two slugs in his forehead.

And if God is going to send me to Hell for doing so, well then, he may as well start turning up the heat now.

This is the S&W model 500 -- a cannon of a pistol.

Here at the USVS we carry quite an assortment of things that bugs don’t like.  We’ve got all types of machineguns, flamethrowers, heavy rifles, and other such weapons to help bugs sleep for good.

We’ve even got a really powerful sidearm in the Desert Eagle .41 magnum.

But when it gets down to the wire — the last stand, if you will — we need a gun that will absolutely, positively work every time we pull the trigger.  Likewise, we need a gun that can pour a whole lot of hate into a bug.  If it doesn’t we’re dead.

This is Dirty's Harry's wimpy little .44 magnum round (left) stacked up next to our .500 S&W! (right)

That’s why we use the Smith & Wesson model 500 as our backup pistol.  This beast of a wheelgun carries five rounds of ammo chambered in Smith’s own .500 S&W.  It’s one of the most powerful production pistols in the world and does an obscene amount of damage to the undead.

We customize ours by sawing down the barrel to about an inch or so long.  Sure, that hurts the accuracy of the gun, but if we have to use it the bugs are probably already chewing on our armor.  We like to think of these pistols as stapleguns on steroids — as you’re basically pushing the gun up to the bug’s head and pulling the trigger.

Check out the photos to the right and you can see why we’re happy to carry these beasts!

NAS Squantum, back when the Navy was in charge.

On May 24th, 1943, Special Projects Unit Cast was established at the Squantum Naval Air Station (NAS) in Quincy, Massachusetts.

Officially, the secret operation was for the testing of airborne radar systems, then still a relatively new technology.  The program was based out of M.I.T. in Cambridge, but because NAS Squantum was the nearest naval air field, the Quincy location became the home of all the actual in-flight testing of the technology.

It was also the official host of a government program that eventually came to be known as the United States Vampire Service.  That’s right, Quincy is home to two U.S. Presidents, the first Howard Johnsons, and a bug killing operation!

NAS Squantum was the perfect place to house the bug killers for many reasons.  First of all, it was a military base with tight security even for a hard target.  Secondly, nobody talked about what they did there due to the nature of the private programs, so it didn’t arouse suspicion when things were covered in tarps and moved around quietly.  Third, it was both an airport and a deep-port harbor, with easy access to major roadways.  The team could get to just about anywhere in the world without having to parade in front of civilians.

The USVS stayed at NAS Squantum even when SPU: Cast was disestablished in December of 1946, though it did eventually have to move for other reasons — one of which being the closing of NAS Squantum in 1953.

St. William of Norwich

On March 22nd, 1144, a young tanner’s apprentice named William was found dead in Thorpe Wood, near Norwich.  At the time, Norwich was one of the largest cities in England.

The body was found in rough shape, and the kid was obviously the victim of a violent attack.  The locals immediately claimed the kid had been killed by Jews.  There really wasn’t a scientific method in place to protect evidence, and as one would expect the event only added fuel to the anti-semitic fire that would only get hotter over the next hundred and fifty years, when King Edward had the Jews expelled from England in 1290.

King Edward I, mind you, is the same Edward Longshanks that Mel Gibson made look bad in the movie, “Braveheart.”

A writing in 1173 by Thomas of Monmouth refers to William as Saint William, and the locals of Norwich considered him a martyr and a saint.

We know for a fact that there were bugs at that time within 100 miles of Thorpe Wood.  More importantly, what little evidence that was catalogued by Godwin Stuart, a local priest and unfortunately also William’s uncle, showed signs consistent with a traditional bug attack.  We’ve also come to find out in later years that Jews, contrary to the belief in 1144, don’t partake in human sacrifice against christians.

The term “blood libel” originally referred to an accusation that Jews would sacrifice people for their religion.  What we’ve come to realize is that the blood libel against the Jews was just a terror tactic to turn public opinion against them.

Mind you, the Jews were the first recorded bug fighters in world history.  It’s my belief that the Jews of Norwich probably had some bug killers in their midst at the time, and that’s why they were mis-connected to William’s murder.

Don’t take my word for it.  Look it up!

We're all about promoting strong women.

I get asked a lot whether we have women on our team.  Currently, we do not.  That isn’t to say, however, that women don’t make damned fine bug killers.

To my knowledge, there have been at least two women who served on the USVS.  It’s not that we actively recruit them or actively keep them away.  Our job is very physical, and there simply are many more men trained and capable to do the things we need done.  So when we’re hiring, we hire the person who we feel is most qualified and capable for our needs at that time — and generally there are more men with more relevant experience and skills.

If in the future we have an opening and a woman is the best for the job, it’s going to be hers.  I know that when my dad was in charge there had been a woman on the team for about six years (which is a solid tour compared to any other team members, male or female).  There was also a woman on the team back during WWII who didn’t lose her job to a man simply because the war was over and the men came back home.

If you are a woman thinking about going into a career hunting bugs, then go for it!  I’m the CEO of the biggest U.S. bug-killing company, and I’m telling you we can’t afford glass ceilings or other stupid prejudiced mindsets.

Actual photo of one of the masks here at the secret tiki pub.

So we just found out that our hotel here has an underground tiki bar.  Several times during our stay here in The Sand (I can’t tell you what country we’re in, but let’s just say it’s a short ride to where Saddam got a rope neck ride) the employees here at our hotel have stressed to us that there is an underground tiki bar, should we decide to get our booze on.

At first I thought it was code for something, but one of the other guests here has ensured me that there is, indeed, a tiki bar here that isn’t publicized as it’s illegal to serve alcohol in this country.

Kudos to the proprietor for setting up a secret bar for his guests, but a tiki bar?  Why?!?

And just what makes a bar a “tiki” bar?  Is there a certain carved mask minimum?  If the drinks have umbrellas?  If I put drink umbrellas and carved masks into a Chevy Chevette is it a tiki car?