Bug F.A.Q.

These Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) have been developed by the USVS for your safety.  Please familiarize yourself with this information to help protect your family and loved ones.

Are vampires real?
Vampires, or “bugs” as the men of the USVS call them, are very real.

Are there only men in the USVS?
Currently, yes.  But that hasn’t always been the case.  That there are currently only men is purely coincidental and not a prerequisite to employment.

You have a better chance of this than being the victim of a bug attack.

You have a better chance of this than being the victim of a bug attack.

What should I do if I suspect there is a vampire in my neighborhood?
If you feel there is a threat of any kind in your neighborhood, you should call the police.  We exterminate less than ten bugs a year, meaning you have a better chance of being hit by lightning while a shark is eating your leg.

I just saw the movie “Twilight.”  Is a vampire going to fall in love with me?
No, bugs are not teen idols.  They are evil, ferocious creatures that kill humans.  They will not attempt to date you, nor will they invite you into their castle for dinner.

Do vampires live in castles?
No.  They live in sewers, abandoned buildings, and other unoccupied areas.

Will I become a vampire if I am bitten by one?
First of all, a vampire doesn’t just bite you — it eats you.  Most victims receive multiple traumatic wounds during a bug attack, each of which is often fatal.  Secondly, a bug doesn’t let a victim go until it is done eating, meaning victims who don’t die quickly from the initial attack will most likely die from blood loss.  Lastly, the risk of disease from a bug attack is near 100%.  The mouth of a bug is like a trash dumpster, often filled with such harmful things as hepatitis, E. coli, tuberculosis, tetanus, and worse.

Is it true somebody wrote a book about your company?
Yes, Chief O’Connor did.  Check it out under the book section and Chief O’Connor’s blog.

Do vampires wear capes and ruby medallions?
No.  Generally they are covered in filth, and dressed in torn clothing.

Are vampires allergic to silver or sunlight?
No.  They don’t love sunlight, but they’re not hurt by it.  They tend to be nocturnal simply because it’s easier to find isolated victims at that time.  Silver doesn’t bother them at all.

Will a wooden stake to the heart kill a vampire?
It will make him angry, and that’s about it.  The only way to kill a bug is to destroy his brain.  No matter how much of a bug is destroyed, it will eventually regenerate to full health if its brain is left intact.

Your neighbor is just strange.  If you saw a real vampire, you'd be dead now.

Your neighbor is just strange. If you saw a real vampire, you'd be dead now.

What should I do if I suspect that my neighbor is a vampire?
Your neighbor isn’t a vampire.  He may be an asshole, but he’s no bug.

Will looking at a crucifix kill a vampire?
If a bug is coming at you, you may as well hold up a New Kids on the Block poster for protection.  Bugs aren’t afraid of symbols.

What about holy water?
It’s just water to a bug.

Can vampires make their fangs retract?
Bugs don’t have fangs.  It’s urban myth.  What does happen very often is that they break their teeth when attacking people, biting into bone, jewelry, and what not.  This gives their teeth a jagged appearance that probably led to the belief that somehow they grew fangs.

Is the USVS hiring?
Don’t bother applying.  When we have openings we find you.  Nothing personal, but we require special skills and abilities that you can’t study in school.

What is the real name of the company behind the USVS?
The USVS is indeed a pseudonym for another company, but we can’t tell you the name.  We keep the identity secret as what we do is sensitive.  You can’t come learn our secrets if you can’t find us, you know?  And likewise, you won’t be able to find our financials in the federal budget because its classified.

I’m in law enforcement and I think I have a vampire problem.  How do I contact you?
Please first contact your local FBI office.  If you have found multiple bodies it’s more than likely your run-of-the-mill serial killer, and the feds have jurisdiction there.  If they’re not helping, or you’re certain of what you saw, you can reach us using the Contact Us section of this web site.

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