The Zombie Apocalypse

Movie Poster for "Zombre"

He came to free the people... from their brains!

Please, no more emails asking if the zombie apocalypse has begun!

In the last few weeks, there have been some strange happenings.  First, a man starts eating another man’s face, and when police tell him to stop, he growls at them and keeps eating until he’s shot to death.  Another story talks about a guy in Maryland eating his friend’s heart and brain.  Then there’s the story about the guy in Hackensack who tore out his intestines and threw them at cops.  And there have been more…

Has the zombie apocalypse begun?  Probably not.  After all, when have you read anything where zombies used their own guts as weapons?  Maybe if it was some deadly tentacle, but when was the last time you read about deadly tummy tentacles?  Yeah, maybe ass tentacles from Japanese butt zombies, sure…

Now maybe I have seen zombies, and maybe I haven’t — I’m not trying to be coy, just noting that in my business we’ve had some real grey areas.  Still, I’m both a big fan and student of the strange, and an expert in evil, and it’s my professional opinion that the Zombie Apocalypse isn’t here yet.

For starters, zombies are believed to eat brains, or at least prefer brains.  Not faces.  Not hearts.  The guy in Hackensack wasn’t eating somebody, he was disposing of himself from the inside-out!  If anything, he’s an anti-zombie.  Also, any surviving victims would become zombies after a short amount of time, and last time I heard, the guy in Miami is being considered for a face transplant.  Since he hasn’t attempted to eat his doctors’ brains, he’s not a zombie.

I’ve also been taught the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain.  I’ve seen the photos of the attacker in Miami, and it looks like he was shot five times in the upper chest.  Maybe I missed something, but it didn’t look like there was one head shot, and let me tell you, he’s plenty dead.  Like, the forever type dead, not undead.

Granted, I’ve seen some creatures that have zombie-like characteristics.  The bugs we exterminate were once dead.  They do eat people.  They only die when we destroy their brains.  Bugs beget more bugs, though it’s not as often as you’d think.  Still, every source I’ve read on zombies (except for those in the Caribbean) insist that when you see one zombie, you’ve probably got a lot more.  Basically, they’re like termites… brain-chewing undead termites.

The conclusion?  It can be said with 100% certainty that if the Zombie Apocalypse has begun, it has nothing to do with the cases mentioned above.  Maybe it’s happening right now somewhere in some quiet part of Africa, or in the slums of Rio de Janeiro.  If that’s the case, I’m sure guys like me will be called in to stop the problem before it explodes.

That is, if we haven’t already done that before, and kept it rather quiet…

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